Ivory Experienced Wolf
Number of posts : 149 Age : 30 Localisation : Greed Island Registration date : 2007-06-04
| Subject: Ivory's Poem (Yeah, You Read It Right) Sat Dec 06, 2008 6:04 pm | |
| ________________________________________________ Ripples creep along the silken window Shimmering, glittering Shades give way to sweet white serenity Gently swaying as only the wisest willow knows An arching crest; gliding across the parted silk Softly, sweetly, gently Smiling a secret to the whispers of night Glitters fall like raindrops Embracing the stage like a knowing lover The Goddess watches onwards Praising with a glowing touch Sway of the swan, step of the feline Immersed like the mountains with the sea Ebony waves sweep the quiet land The flow meets her with a kiss Retreats with a solemn bow Attention deeper than life showers the performer As only the darkness knows how
~Ivory________________________________________________ I wrote this a few weeks ago, and I'm interested in how you guys choose to interpret this. As such, I'm not going to include any of the base imagery I used when writing this. Please give me some feedback, if you have the time. | |
|
Water_SS Grown Pup
Number of posts : 85 Age : 34 Registration date : 2007-10-26
| Subject: Merh...~ Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:29 am | |
| Good Imagery. You'd be a good romantic writer. Just work on your focus a little more. Challenge yourself by choosing a subject and trying to relate all of your stanzas into that thought.
It seems, however, that a few of your lines contain references to the stage and performance. Could it be that you were writing about a play and how the actors/dancers moved?
I can see the female actor, the male performer, and a house of some sort. "Attention deeper than life showers the performer / As only the darkness knows how." Could also be a reference to what the actors see on stage. From personal experience, when looking onto a crowd I don't see anyone because the house lights are pointed directly at your face.
If you truly did select a focus, wonderful job Ivy. With a little more work it could go into a book! ^_^ *pat pat* | |
|